Yesterday More Bad News,

It was not a good day yesterday with a further visit to Lincoln Hospital, and after a terribly long wait, it was decided after consultation that the best course of action at this time, was for Hamada to return to Chemotherapy. To try to reduce the Myeloma cells and get them to a lower level to proceed to Transplant - the cocktail now includes , Cyclophosphamine,Dexamethasone, and Thalidomide and all the extras that go with that !
He also has some fractures of the vertebrae again and this causes some collapse of the spine which is so very painful . We have good drugs that cover the pain well, but he walks slowly and has lost more height. All these thing make me so sad- to see this lovely gentle kind man, suffer in this way. It is without doubt a despicable disease.

Not The Best Of Days.

It was another visit to Lincoln Hospital today. A busy one with Nephrology first, then on to the Alex Day ward for very nice nurse Michael, to take bloods and 'flush' hickman line. Hamada also had to complete a small part of a Renal Impairment Trial Study for the University of Leeds. This he completed, then on to the Haematology Dept for a discussion on 'pain management' regarding Hamada's very painful spine. We now have a new 'cocktail' or at least a different way to give them! Also we heard the bad news that Hamada is no longer in 'remission' this means now that hopefully the transplant will take place sooner than later!. His readings of 'Paraprotein', an important marker of this wretched disease, have risen. Also the 'Bence Jones' reading -which shows the presence, amount, and type of abnormal myeloma protein in urine - another important test, has doubled. This is just what we did not want to hear. He has also had further X-rays to his back to make sure there are no more 'lytic lesions'. We are to return on Thursday to discuss all these issues. We shall endeavor to keep on fighting.

Stay and Sleep

I can hear him sleeping

I can hear the storm

it's fierce ebony clouds

scudding, it's yellow flashes

spend themselves against

my window pane.

Trees crashed, branches fell,

and my heart no longer knew it's way.

Still he slept, his

gentle breathing at odds with the

violence, that shook my soul,

Can you hear the storm ?

is it inside your realm

is it beyond your pain

is it beyond mine.

The sky lit and intruded

into my domain,

It's clear shadows against my walls,

a dark mark against my heart.

Wake and listen

do not enter that sphere

no, stay and sleep

quieten my province.

Stay and sleep...

@ Copyright 2007

A Dedication To Our Friends

The following poem is dedicated to our very dear friends - Zena and Pieter - who live so many miles from us now - but we shared a life in the following place, mentioned in this poem. They are so constant with their calls and encouragement, that we feel they are never far away. We thank them for their strong friendship and dearly hope to have such fun, as we did in those days, when we meet once again. Thank you both and bless you for your kindness.

Oasis Town - Al Ain - U.A.E.

It's splendid vista way up high
the Jebel Hafeet* in clear blue sky,
my lover took me to this place
where snaking roads make hearts race,
this flower bordered oasis town
set as the Rub Al Khali *surrounds.

A magic beauty there for me
the middle of the sands you see,
grand marbled palaces you'll find
with fountains and Bedouins inside.
Mercedes and the finest things,
streets of gold and diamond rings.

Down town we found a natural spring
and handsome swarthy Arab friends,
in long white robes with beads to hand,
such beauty, of their falcon's wings
this desert world it's secrets bring.

Always we dined on tasty things
lamb in soft white bread you see,
lovely glasses of sweet mint tea ,
they welcomed us on desert sands
in tents, to take us back in time.

My lover with the charming smile
said we should linger for awhile,
to sit and sample 'sweet delights'
we did, long in the twinkling night,
and the warm 'Kamseen' did blow for us.

The silver platters of fruity dates
were passed with hands of love not hate,
the dark fringed lashes on dark brown eyes
could melt a heart in candlelight,
the over-whelming scent of musk
made 'giddy feelings' turn to lust.

This magic sensual desert town
with gentle friends that we had found.
The merging of the old and new,
this quiet love I found in you,
our little child with soft brown face
his sturdy body in a race, to grow
and blossom in the sun.

This much loved little Arab boy
who came to us with so much joy,
he played amid the palm tree glades,
looking for a little shade.
We wondered in 'Burami Town'
as riverlets sparkled through the ground.

The smell of oranges hanging there
the heady scents of different air.
In bustling market souks we stayed,
yes, how I loved those desert days
with our dear friends their gentle ways.

This green and floral oasis town
where we found love, the sands surround....

* Jebel Hafeet Mountain range.

* Rub El Khali Arabian Desert

.

@ Copyright 2006

Camel Photo - Courtesy - Matt Rutherford.

Weekly Visit to Lincoln Hospital

Thank goodness, after a most difficult week, Hamada is feeling so much better today. His back pain nearly gone. We visited the Alex Day Ward at Lincoln Hospital for the regular weekly 'line-flushing' the wonderful nurses do a sterling job everyday, looking after and attending to many patients. They work with so much grace and understanding for each and every person. Always a smile and a greeting. Nurses, like Linda, Michael and Claire et al. - "Big thanks" to them, and "Heaps of Rainbows" to you all.

See also comment under this. Thank you all.

Al Byt - Al Kabeer - The Big House.

Al Byt - Al Kabeer

High above the steepest hill

stands this house of love,

a faded splendid home is here,

It's name 'Al Byt - Al Kabeer',

such pretty ornate railings as

you climb the steps inside,

start to show the love within

that definitely resides.

The grand 'high ceiling' entrance hall

with precious chandeliers above

and Mama'let waiting there

her sparkling eyes of love.

Her beautiful arms would take you

and hold you to her heart,

with jet black hair luxurious,

her face a smiling part.

She took us to the 'Summer Room'

as she called the girls for tea,

"bring the porcelain and glasses

my son is home to me"

the long eau de nil shutters

I remember in every room

protected turquoise silks and gold

ornate ceilings, in partial gloom,

and as I glanced around the 'salon'

at the beauty of this place,

I saw the sweetest look of love

upon his Mother's face.

Gilt carvings on the pretty chairs

the heavy 'Adam's' fireplace

the ticking of the many clocks

yes, twas another place.

So many rooms before us
all tall and elegant in their way,
he, brought me to this fine home
to spend our summer days,

And as we greeted one another
I looked from balcony views,
my husband tightly held one hand
his mother did so too.

I loved the fine Aubosson rugs
on each and every floor,
I loved the smell of cedar mixed
with mint, and life before,

and how I loved this golden life
the slowness of the days
this gentle kind enduring Mother
who showed another way.

The calmness of her movements
the joy at everyday,
would take me on a journey
to discover peaceful ways.





@ Copyright 2007.

By H H The XIV Dalai Lama

Found on a friends Web - Jewel (USA). I like this very much.

No matter what is going on
never give up

Develop the heart
too much energy in your country
is spent developing the mind
instead of the heart

Be compassionate
not just to your friends
but to everyone
be compassionate

Work for peace
in your heart and in the world
work for peace

Never give up
no matter what is going on
around you
never give up.

By H H XIV The Dalai Lama.

Wretched Pain.

We now have the pain under control again and have this morning talked with the support team at Lincoln Hospital. The good advice from the Haematology Nurse has been most helpful and Hamada feels much more comfortable now. This severe pain is to be expected at this stage of the Myeloma, but we must endeavour not to let the pain "take hold". I am now playing some of his favourite music, his smile is back, and it's a much better start to the day.

It Was A Love Affair

It was a love affair
you and I
It was delight not virtuous
It was visionary
It was a moving nature
It was strange it was pure
but it was, a love affair.

It was a love affair
you and I
It was quixotic, it was new
It was imaginative
It was romantic
It was sensual
but it was, a love affair.

It was a love affair
you and I
It was a passion
It was exciting
It was taking-up my life
It was everything
but it was a love affair ?


@ Copyright 2006

I Was Looking For You

I was looking for you
when hot days seared my mind
and starlit nights were often kind,
when all those handsome boys danced by,
I was looking for you.

When warm breezes brushed my cheeks
and I had studied for weeks and weeks,
when I could swim in warm blue seas
and honeysuckle were full of bees,
I was looking for you.

When I was walking along the shore
and knew that I could give no more,
when underneath my feet the shells
ground, and there my life was turned around,
I was looking for you.

On Autumn days which coloured red,
we laid together, in soft warm bed
when reaching through the sweet dusk light
I held you in my arms so tight.
I was looking for you.

I was looking for you when
crisp white snow did cover the ground
when my cheeks were pink
and yours still brown,
I was looking for you.

I was looking for you,
as I searched along the way
when you used that smile
that changed my life
that way,
I was looking for you.........

@ Copyright 2006

Up-Date

Hamada is not so good today - the pain in his back is really bad - he is taking Oramorph - and today unable to get out of bed unaided. I feel so sorry that this is so, especially after doing so well with the 'Harvesting' last week. Perhaps all the sitting around and the long car journey has taken it's toll. He will be resting and sleeping most of this - Father's Day - I will shower him with as much love as I can. The two poems above are special to us, but today is a good day for them. Thank you all for your good wishes, it is a comfort to know you are all thinking of us.

A Stem- Cell Lament. June 2007

We're always there and never late

again the day we sit and wait,

thrice again we must believe

stem cells elusive, are for thee,

the nurses come for blood to take

to send to lab, a longer pray.

The swinging doors the patients bring

but my dearest one, no longer sings.

I look at medi-wash machines

I try to peep at path-lab screens,

results for 'dear heart' just this time,

a higher count would do just fine.

Some patients grim, it's such a shame,

the counts not good it's home again.

It's not a lot dear lord you see,

to send the stem-cells straight to me

I'll keep them safe, right by my heart,

I'll hold them tight, then he won't part.

We need them here just for him

please, dear lord, to help him win.

I look at pictures on the wall

don't ask me what their called - at all,

the time ticks on, but slowly now

my heart in isolation, bows.

It breaks my heart to see his face

I hate to watch this turn of fate.

He's patient looking at the door

which opens now, but brings no more.

We wait and wait as doctors pass

please give the 'green light' so we can start.

We're tired now this fight is long

but we'll not stop, they could be wrong !

Send back those lab results to us

and make them good, a million plus......

A Thank You

A big "thank you" to Sir Richard Branson who added his comments to my poem 'You Elude me' at 2.53 am today.

Thank you Sir.

Further To The Post Below.

Further to the Post below - Have just heard (17.30) from the Haematology Dept, at Nottingham City Hospital. Hamada's collection today has yielded just 320,000 stem cells - which although is not very good - does now bring the total over the 2,000,000 mark - which is indeed good news. We now await the Professors remarks.

Another Try

We have been at Nottingham City Hospital since Sunday evening, Hamada has now managed to 'harvest' a further 500,000 Stem Cells on tuesday. We are not so hopeful for today's collection as the count was down again - as it was on monday. They will let us know later on today, when lab reports are back. It has again been so stressful - not the lovely nurses - they always do their best to make you comfortable - but the waiting is just terrible. We have spent a total of fourteen hours this time, in the clinic over the three days.. ( we would wait forever -if they would just come out !! ) At the moment Hamada has 1,800,000 not quite enough for the transplant.

An Evening At The Village Pub

Hamada is in pain again today but we are managing to get it under control. He really wants to join our house guests - Jen and Ian - at our village pub tonight, for some fun, laughter and a good meal with our friends. He says "you can carry me down, I'm coming". he has started the GCSF injections for monday, and has now had four. Still smiling and never-ever complaining, but you can tell by his eyes that it hurts !!!! despicable illness, I say.

Dreams of Montazah - in the 1950's

Dreams of Montazah.

He dreams of Montazah

the palace within his mind,

as he is quietly resting,

I know he goes back in time.

This splendid 'Salam-lek' palace

built high on hills above

this turquoise studded jewel,

secluded bay, entwined with doves.

Amid the palms, stands clearly
this monument of love,

built from finest 'red bricks',

a blessing from above.

Smooth and graceful standing proud,

with white 'najoods' and sea around,

he would walk in verdant grounds,

in peaceful harmony, no sound.

The quiet of these gardens

lush all, 370 fed-dans,

would take his heart in a myriad walk,

his bare feet, on fine white sand.

He dreams of 'Montazah', the palace,

always within his mind,

this paradise inn of time,

he enters gates that keep the crowds at bay,

which for him are opened, every single day.

And when he's tired of strolling,

I know just where he'll go

he'll leave gazelles and rock gardens

and the flowers, he loves so,

he'll step across the water

to the island of all time

where classical statues never alter,

in plethora, there to stand.

And here he'll fish or flirt !

or swim, in sunlit sheltered bays

and for a little while,

he remember all those days.

Montazah keeps him peaceful

I see that smile again, and when

he sleeps tomorrow,

he'll go right back again.

@ Copyright 2007 -Hamada used to walk in these Gardens as a child.

This Visit To Lincoln Hospital

Today we visited Lincoln Hospital again, for the pre-check for next weeks, hopeful third! 'harvesting'. Hamada's 'Hickman' line was flushed, full bloods taken and these results will be used if required at Nottingham Hospital. It was a quick trip, let's hope this is a precursor for next week. Hamada is feeling quite good today, not moving very well - but the infection is somewhat better- by Monday I do hope he will be ready. Hamada starts the third course of GCSF injections tomorrow, taking two per day - lets hope they do the trick this time.

A Summer Day

How beautiful this Summer day,

the colour of the flower,

I seemed to miss it all today

and often wished a shower,

to match my mood, I'd like today,

rain and thunder all the way.

The snow and hail, they could come,

and even lightning too,

If I could take your pain away,

A hurricane would do.

How beautiful this Summer day,

with not a cloud in sight,

and there you are

again in bed, putting up a fight.

The sun is blazing down the rays,

and when you turn and smile,

I'll keep you with me, and that gaze,

and never miss the flowers

and if you think I love you less,

I'll long for summer showers

How beautiful this Summer day,

the stillness of it all,

the sky is brilliant, almost red!

you smile at me, and rest your head.

So does it matter the flowers are out,

does it matter that their blue,

if I could take your pain away,

then this is what I'll do.

For then the rays, the lovely sun,

the flowers, each and everyone,

I'll keep you and that lovely gaze

then this will be my Summer day.

@ Copyright 2006

Lilies

Lilies.

Do you remember long ago

you found that magic place,

where lilies filled most every room

and beds were dressed in lace

the men in polished uniforms

took bags and opened doors,

and the crystal of the chandelier's

twinkled straight on marble floors

The majesty and splendour of

this, your special place,

was clear as sparkling water

that ran from fountain space.

You sat me by the sea-view

in a chair of plushest silk

the lady with the clear sweet voice

the harp, it's gentle lilt,

you said my hair was "pretty"

and my dress was "just divine"

and then they brought us pink delights

and goblets full of wine.

The scent from all the lilies

that filled most every room,

could that be what was turning

my heart, amid the blooms,

perhaps it was the dark red wine

perhaps it was your face,

perhaps those gilded bronzes,

I remembered in that place

We walked on Turkish carpets

in rooms of ormolu,

along the 'china' terrace

admiring stunning views,

we walked along the waters edge

leaving sandals on the stairs,

still that beguiling smell of lilies,

I wondered where, from here

and as you turned and smiled

coming, face to face......

where lilies filled most every room,

and beds were dressed in lace.

@ Copyright 2006

Emmanuel's Message for Grandpa.

Manu made this little paper boat for his Grandpa - It says Cancer - Boo and Hiss.

A Chest Infection - 3rd June 2007

Poor Hamada - back in bed for the whole of this weekend, with yet another cold and now a chest infection. His very much reduced, white blood cells, affect his ability to fight off any infections. So he always succumbs easily. With the continuing severe pain in his spine - it has at times, been difficult to make him comfortable - he has been sleeping most of the time so now I'm really hoping he will be well enough to start his further treatment later this week.

Still, some excellent news from NICE in the media today, about the drug Velcade - thank goodness for that - I believe this new system will help provide many more Multiple Myeloma Patients, who need this drug, to receive it. - See More in Q & A @ www.myeloma.org.uk

When You Lived By The Sea - In Alex.

When you lived by the Sea.

Down the steep road you went

round the corner, heaven sent.

The long 'corniche' and turquoise sea

'twas brilliant sun, when you took me.

With the crowds in summer haze

we joined the throng just to gaze,

little brown boys having fun

chasing in the hottest sun,

and then we stepped, as you took my hand,

along those brilliant, hot white sands.

~

The turkish man with tray on head,

brings the pastries, as you bid,

on kites that fly in cobalt sky,

and when we talked, you and I,

of the future that we planned,

'snooty' camels passed at hand,

when you lived by the sea.

~

Snacks from Mama's cabin there,

we sat in ' garland ribboned' chairs,

little pots of tasty treats,

houmus, tabullah, syrup sweets,

games of cards with sharper boys,

dark skinned men, selling toys,

children laughing, happy fun,

smelling sweetly of the sun.

Yatching club at half past three

always there in time for tea,

when you lived by the sea.

~

Down that steep road we went

round the corner heaven sent.

On the side 'Old Cecil' stood

crumbled then, but very good.

Gordon's Gin they found us there ,

and as we sat in rattan chairs,

breathing in that steamy air.

Silver trays with glasses bright,

we talked and talked into the night,

the punka fan whirled and swayed,

and in the night, I always stayed,

when you lived by the sea...

when you lived by the sea in Alex....

@ Copyright 2006

Photos courtesy : Matt Rutherford
All rights Reserved.