Latest Update

Happy Christmas to Everyone.

Hamada continues at a good pace and did on the 9 December managed to don suit, collar, tie and fedora with a little help, to attend our village Xmas luncheon with a grand crowd of seventy five. It was a fabulous affair with a superb lunch of turkey and all the trimmings which Hamada enjoyed immensely. Our wonderful villagers welcomed him back for his first social outing in many months. It was so lovely for him to see so many friendly faces and many of our great supporters.

Hamada still rests for most of the time, he is still extremely weak and has some difficulty moving about, but getting up now in the early afternoon to enjoy a little television or to read. On bright sunny days we now go for a drive across the wolds, wrapped up well ,Hamada really enjoys this and very slowly he is managing to do more for himself. We are still cautious and as careful about infections as we can be. He will visit with the Haematology department next week and we continue to hope that the blood counts and readings will be good. My best wishes to you all.

Then and Now - by Susie Hemingway

Dare I dream of Christmas time

of Robins and of Christmas songs,

or maybe yes? of spring beyond

when I see that journey made

with courage and no other way,

I dare to dream, of walks we'll make

or sitting by that sparkling lake.

Do I think of then and now

can I dream, then just how?

I start to hope that back you'll come,

from heavy heart as joy becomes,

to fill my life again with hope

as slowly as a bud unfolds,

you're stronger now, oh! the hope.

with every day I look at you

to see your heart returning too,

to just believe we have the time

as such happiness unwinds, to form

and shape like seasons do,

the time together, just us two,

dare I dream of Spring beyond?

So hard the journey you have made!

just to see another day,

just to spend the days with me

in quiet 'turquoise' harmony,

dare I dream of then and now

of Robins and of Christmas songs

or maybe yes? of Spring beyond....

All rights reserved.

Update.

Really good news this week, at Hamada's regular check-ups at Lincoln Hospital. all his readings and counts are up! The Doctor was really pleased at his progress and now believes it will not be long before Hamada can mix again and go to public places and start to lead a more normal life. This is such wonderful news for us, and we plan as our goal, to go to our Village Xmas dinner in two weeks time, even if it's for a short time - what an achievement that will be! This will mark the start of a more regular life again. He still cannot walk very far and his energy levels are really extremely low. He sleeps straight again after breakfast for a good part of the morning getting up later in the day, but we are managing to extend the time he is up and awake. We are now thinking of Christmas together and of perhaps dare I say the Spring, something we did not believe a few months ago . Thanks again to all at Nottingham - have you any idea what joy you bring to us? to all our supporters, family and friends, who keep up with Hamada's tremendous journey . He sends all best wishes to you all, as i do .

It is Not Love - If You Must Ask - by Susie Hemingway

What is love, I'm often asked
my answer is, it's not a task,
It's when you only have to glance,
to make your heart turn in a trance,
when eyes cannot turn away
and when you yearn from day to day,
your soul and mind in endless tune,
it is not love - if you must ask.

What is love, the girls do ask,
when you can trust another soul
with secrets you have never told,
when your mind and heart can blend as one
and when silence, a delight becomes.
When you know that you would walk,
a thousand miles, for eyes and soul,
and just one glance,
it is not love - if you must ask.

What is love, the boys do ask,
it's when you care more than yourself,
as in your busy days you'll find, and
when you try another kind!
your mind refuses, turning back
although you try another track,
your heart refuses, to let go,
don't ask me! for you will always know
it is not love - if you must ask.

It's when you find the strength that lies
in waiting for the sun to rise
across your soul and heart and mind
a love so pure, the only kind.
It's when in everyday, a joyous song
a heart that sings, in sweet refrain,
a closeness and a precious gem,
just wait for love, no other kind.

It is not love - if you must ask.


dedicated to my youngest son Yousef - October 30


@ Copyright 2007

It is now five weeks since Hamada had his 'stem cell transplant' and he is proceeding well. Yesterdays trip to Lincoln Hospital was a really good visit, with blood counts up nicely and kidney function so improved now at 15 and with the news that next Wednesday they are to remove Hamada's central line (Hickman) which will be done at Lincoln, one less thing to worry about regarding infection. He is also starting a 24hr 'Bence Jones test' next Tuesday to test again, the levels of Bence Jones protein in the urine. This will give an indication of how well the transplant has gone. The Doctor seem very pleased with progress so far, reminding us again for the need to be careful about avoiding any infections , Hamada is still wearing a protective mask when entering the Hospital and thoughout each clinic- the single most important piece of advice, hospitals being most dangerous for picking up infections from not only patients but visitors also.

Hamada is still extremely weak and very weary always but he is slowly increasing his food intake and managing to say awake for a little longer each day now.

The above photo shows Hamada trying on his new 'fedora' which was brought by our son Jo in readiness for the spring and the walks we shall have together - 'In Sha'allah'

Update at 3 November 2007

Hamada is continuing well. His first check-up was carried out at Lincoln Hospital last thursday, where he continues to have his 'bard' line flushed, if he continues well, this will be removed in due course. Then he had bloods taken and although not brilliant, the stem cells do now have a reading of 0.9, which is going in the right direction.

Hamada remains happy and glad to be home, he is extremely weary and has bouts of nausea which slows down the weight gain, still he is now managing small frequent meals and I am pleased to see him eating a little of his favourites. He needs to build on his weight currently 55kg. he sleeps late in the mornings and when awake has been enjoying the view from our windows over looking beautiful farmland and this lovely late autumn sun. He is then glad to be back in bed during the early evening. When visiting the hospital Hamada were a protective face mask for the whole time he was there (a small tip for our friends in the same position). We felt this to be so important to protect him from any infections as he is so vulnerable during this recovery period.

He asks me to thank you all, for the great messages and calls, emails and letters, for all the best wishes and encouragement from everyone following his journey.

Update

GREAT NEWS!! After getting back the daily readings, if was decide late afternoon that Hamada, after seventeen days in The Centre For Clinical Haematology, could return home. we made the journey to Nottingham - late yesterday.

Late afternoon he had another red-blood cell transfusion and after leaving most of his hair there! we took him home.

Thanks to Prof. N Russell and his team, what amazing work they do. Thanks also to all the staff on Fletcher ward for their kindness and immense help during this time.

Hamada will now be closely monitored, he still has some sickness and will have frequent check-ups at Lincoln. Now we pray this will give him the longest remission. Thank you all for your wonderful good wishes and support, how lovely to have him home.

Update.

Hamada continues quite well. Count now at 0.3, it did go back to 0.1 it's normal for it to go up and down for a bit to start with. We hope for a higher reading later today. He has received more platelets to prevent anemia and is a little sick this morning but the drugs get that under control really quickly. His lovely grey hair is falling fast now, so I have a nice selection of hats ready to keep his head warm. He has done amazingly well so far. When the count reaches 0.5 we hope Hamada will be allowed home.

THE BEST NEWS - UPDATE.

The best news today Sunday 21 October 2007 - we have been told today that Hamada has a count of 0.2 which is such good news. He has received some platelets, and is very tired, sleeping a lot, which is quite normal at this stage but he is bright and cheerful when awake. We understand that he may be able to come home when the count reaches 0.5 but of course he will require frequent check-ups during the early post transplant period. All his harvested stem-cells were use in this transplant, so now we hope and pray Hamada will be successful with a long remission. I know it's early days but I so wanted to share this news with you all.

A Teardrop From Your Eye - by Susie Hemingway

I saw the teardrop from your eye

you turned your head, a little sigh,

you feel your pain, but seldom say

"yes it's been a difficult day"

the courage of this daily battle,

you're brave and steadfast, it's your way

never letting in the sadness that

begins at dawn and ends at sleep.

I saw the teardrop from your eye

it made me angry, it made me cry.

The changes you accept so well

must be for you, a living hell,

to not be steady on your legs

to feel so sick, you need your bed.

You sit and drink the world right in

in quiet ways, you always sing,

you smile as if a secret brings

a gift of happiness within.

I saw that teardrop from your eye

it made me angry, it made me cry.

Your quiet ways and inner peace

accepting all, not giving way

just hoping for another day.

To sit and be, in joyous calm

not asking for a magic charm,

if it were me, I'd scream and shout

your so determined, there's no doubt

such dignity, such pride, but

I saw that teardrop from your eye

it made me angry, it made me cry.

When all about you rush and bother

you sit and watch and quietly be

your love for me so clear to see,

never once do you complain

I see your passion, it never wanes,

you watch and wait, but never say

"this has not been, the best of days"

your daily thanks and generous praise,

they always take my breath away.

I saw that teardrop from your eye

it made me angry, it made me cry...

@ Copyright 2007

Update 16th

Hamada appears a little better today, the Doctor informed us that the blood tests show he had a mild form of septicemia, so now that the antibiotics are doing their work he feels better and is back with us again . Keep up the good work Habibi.

Update - 14 October 2007.

The past few days have not been very good for Hamada and we have been most worried. As the High-dose Chemotherapy finished and the next procedure started, (the infusion of stem cells) Hamada became distressed, very confused and disorientated. The Doctors believe it could be an infection starting and have place him on antibiotics. It has been a most difficult time for him and with a back sore from the bone marrow aspiration, which is to read the measurement of Myeloma and is performed again six weeks after completion, to see how successful this procedure has been, it has all been rather too much for him and his mind has been severely disturbed. He found it difficult to talk and comprehend, was agitated and not the normal placid Hamada we know. Yesterday he seemed somewhat better which was a relief. During these days after transplantation, the reinfused stem cells migrate to the bone marrow and begin the process of producing replacement blood cells. Now hopefully the stem-cells will start to produce these new blood cells, a process called engraftment, this should happen during the next 10 to 15 days. Until engraftment is complete Hamada remains susceptible to infection. A great team at Nottingham working hard for him - thank you all.

Update. - A Stem Cell Transplant - 10 October 2007

Hamada started his Stem Cell Transplant after a restful night at Nottingham City Hospital. The high-dose chemotherapy drug melphalan was started yesterday. Now just one days rest and his stem cells will be infused back into his bloodstream. He is rather sick today which is to be expected and has been given drugs to help with this. He has had some prior hydration to help and support those precious kidneys and the renal department is working with the transplant team.

Hamada is a little emotional today and the next few days will be most important for him and until engraftment is complete we must be so careful to avoid any infections and take precautions before entering his room. He really is in the best possible place and we are so pleased he has made it this far in his fight with this difficult disease. I will continue to update - I know that many Multiple Myeloma sufferers are following Hamada's journey. Best wishes to you all.

Thank You All.

Hamada wishes to thank you all for your support and many messages of good wishes for his forthcoming 'Stem Cell Transplant' procedure, starting on Monday. He sends his love to you all and says he is ready to do battle now! I will of course update on here for all our friends worldwide and for his family in Egypt. Good Luck Habibi.

The Spiders Web - by Susie Hemingway

As the spiders web draws you in

your eyes flicker becoming dim

I reach in terror to ease your pain,

but however I work, there is no gain.

the mist around your tired face

draws you gently to that place.

don't enter the web that pulls you close,

stop spinning spider, leave your prey.

We fight and fight this daily battle
and hate the spider and its chattel
who tries so hard to lure you,
so easy is that gossamer thread
that wants to take you from your bed,
floating in the calm warm air
let me brush your silver hair,
go back spider, let go your grip.


Go take your 'arachnid' ways,
and spin somewhere another day
go find a substitute not him
and leave this gentle quiet soul
go spin your large white wheels of lace
that ensnare and strangle in their wake,
go back and think again,
for this is one, you'll never win.


Stop spinning now, don't draw him in.
leave him quietly, to sleep at peace.
go find your other prey to squeeze
for I don't like your weaving ways
and this one has more sunny days.
You nasty creepy malignant beast
leave him be, go make your web
your threads that spin and crept within.


So easy is that gossamer thread...






All Rights Reserved
@ Copyright 2007

Great News At Last!

Such good news today, after a consultation with Prof. Russell - the date has now been set for Hamada's stem cell transplant. Hamada will enter Nottingham City Hospital under the care of Prof Russell on the 8 October. How we all wish him every success with this.

If I Could Dream You Well Again - by Susie Hemingway

In dreams I make you well again

in the quiet of the night

you run with me, in endless flight,

far away in thoughts of long ago

we run on beaches sailing to

deserted islands, strong were the arms

that pulled the boat ashore.,

In dreams I see you there once more.

In dreams I make you well again

your long limbs brown and strong,

the warm breezes puff at our skin

we swim in blue waters

you touching my nose and cheeks,

the droplets of crystal waters

dry with salty streaks,

In dreams the picture never alters,

In dreams I see you there once more.

In dreams I make you well again

to walk the sands with me

you standing tall, with eyes so clear

from El Salam* unto the sea,

to see the lighthouse in the bay

for you to breathe that salty air

for you to brush my long fair hair

In dreams I see you there once more.

In dreams I make you well again

in the quiet velvet of the night

the smile that changed my life

from dusk until the light,

in dreams you dance with me

on islands in deep blue seas,

close your eyes and dream with me

see those 'najoods' that stand like waves

see those golden seas of sand

see the place you held my hand.

*najoods - Sand dunes.

*favourite hotel

@ Copyright 2007

Do You Remember Paris.

Do you remember Paris

so many days ago,

we ran in the rain

me in the highest heels, and

you never letting go,

dodging busy bustling streets,

past the Galerie of Fine Arts

wishing we could buy the shop,

do you remember Paris.

The tiny hotel you'd chosen

with a lift for only one

we squeezed tightly together

leaving our baggage still to come,

we laughed, as we rose to the attic

wiping the rain away,

and in our little shuttered room

we hid ourselves away,

do you remember Paris.

You sent for rolls and coffee

from the cafe just below

and as the lights came on

the room took on a rosy glow,

you say the smell of coffee

takes you back to that little room,

that, high over-stuffed bed,

the faded flowers, in candle gloom,

do you remember Paris.

We mixed the 'Coco' and 'Givenchy'

the hearts so full of love

the heady cognac, just to warm us,

the courtyard full of doves,

it was our Paris, not the Eiffel

or the Champs-Elys'ees

or even the Louvre

just in the latin quarter, a tiny

hotel for two.

Do you remember Paris ? ...

@ Copyright 2007

A Little More News

Clinic at Lincoln Hospital this week has shown a slight reduction in the 'Bence Jones' protein readings, dropping by .6 it's not much but it's certainly going in the right direction again.

Hamada has felt really good this week and has been enjoying the garden and the lovely weather, his white blood cells are now very low, causing neutropenia - cytotoxic chemotherapy has a tendency to induce neutropenia, so we must remain alert for symptoms of infection. Still we are very happy that a reduction has started again. Thanks again to all our friends and their good wishes - we send love.

More Chemotherapy

Hamada is continuing with the Chemotherapy during the whole of August and September in an effort to reduced the 'readings' once again and then hopefully proceed to transplant at the end of September. His white bloods cells have reduced so he is more prone to infections and we must be careful to reduce all risk of infections duing this time. However we do try to carry on with a normal lifestyle.

A Good Improvement

Hamada has made a good improvement over the past week - very weak - but so much better.

Now starting his next course of 'Chemo'. Many thanks to Amr our Nephew, who made the journey,thanks to Jo, to see his Uncle and spent time with him having so much fun catching-up and chatting together in their 'Arabic' and playing backgammon together. It was a wonderful tonic for Hamada. Even managing a drive to the beach and a walk! with the boys support.

Home Again

Hamada and Ian

Hamada returned home after an eight day stay in Lincoln Hospital, he is still weak but so much better after the good care and attention received . Thanks to the amazing team in A and E - also to Mr Bowen and particularly to the young house Doctor - he knows- without naming- who went to extraordinary lengths to help sort out the many problems that arose - especially with the medications. Thanks also to the great team of nurses on 'Dixon', we could never do without your continuing patience and superb care. How grateful we are.

I Wish I Could Untangle You - July 2007

See twinkling eyes that dull with pain

eyes once bright as fire flames

we juggle pills to make it wane

with every day I cry for you

moving now is hard to do

limbs get stuck refusing to

unbend, and move as graceful should,

I wish I could untangle you

dreams that see you run again

walk the miles that never end

play the games we used to do

dance forever, just us two

this once strong man

who laughs with me

now has morphine in his tea

instead of 'bubbles' in a glass

thinking of sweet days gone past,

still we can dance, if very slow

so legs don't stumble, I'll

not let you go, put on

the music, hold me tight

and yes, it still feels very right

we'll play the soft and gentle songs

the ones you love, we'll float along,

I'll watch your singing eyes

and wish I could, until I die,

I wish I could untangle you

I wish.... I could untangle you

@ Copyright 2007

Back To Hospital !

After a good consultation with Prof Russell and feeling happy about the plans for further treatment, Hamada was very unwell during Tuesday night, and after rather a panic ,was rushed at 4am by ambulance back to Lincoln where he has been re-admitted. He is stable and has been sedated for most of the day he will be there until further notice, a check by the Haematology Team today will tell more. Thank you to the wonderful paramedics who once again did a sterling job, so fast getting to us and so very efficient

Lincoln Hospital

A better visit today at Lincoln Hospital, a consultation with Prof N Russell of Nottingham City Hospital prove to be more promising. The Professor would like Hamada to continue with the current Chemotherapy regime for two more monthly cycles and hopefully reduce the levels again, to proceed to a stem cell transplant in late September, as he does have enough stem cells collected now. This has really pleased us,as we have a date to work towards. Hamada feels far more positive this evening and that works for me.

Thanks to all the kind staff we met again today- they all work so hard- and lovely smiles are always found for all their patients. Our thanks to you all.


Again thanks for all the recent messages from friends and relations in different parts of the globe, you never fail to amaze me with your great wishes of encouragement, they really do help to keep Hamada cheerful and they do lift his spirits so.

And The Music Played.....

So you found that quiet place
where lights were dim
and I was dressed in lace,
this boulevard of strangers
just the perfect place,
the candles melted slowly
Oh! your handsome face.

You found that quiet place
when you took me in your arms
the slowness of the music
you, and all your charms,
I'd left my heart behind me,
but then the music played.

So slowly we turned, on
this tiny wooden floor
I believed I had been here
just once before,
the closeness of you, in
this boulevard of strangers,
and yes, the music played.

So you found that quiet place
with little tables and wine to drink
nothing more, no broken dreams,
no promises, or time to think,
just you and some magic
and the music played.

So I left my soul behind me
and suddenly, I was free,
and the music played...

@Copyright 2007

The Daily Task !

The daily task and extra to this! are all the Chemotherapy Drugs Hamada is taking everyday in his battle to overcome his illness. Hamada is a little better this week but he has bone pain, which we are getting almost under control. He thanks everyone for their lovely messages of encouragement. he remains cheerful but thoughtful.

Such is the Pain Of Love

I drive across the fields of gold
the tears upon my cheeks not old
to leave him in this place so strange,
such is the pain of love,

this quiet gentle smiling man
whose eyes can hardly understand,
I breathe his courage, I live his fear,
such is the pain of love

he looks at me with eyes of love
to find a power from above,
I cannot fail, I cannot falter,
such is the pain of love,

why oh why, this wretched time
should pick this dear and sweetest man
when worlds have met as ours have done
for all of this to be undone
such is the pain of love,

but still we'll fight and fight
to push the boundaries back,
we'll lean together to gain more strength,
to learn and listen, and to wait,

this is the pain of love...


@ Copyright 2007

Today from Jewel, Long Beach California US

Today, at 10.45 p.s.t. at Thubten Dhargye Ling approximately 100 friends will say prayers for Hamada.

We thank you all.

Yesterday More Bad News,

It was not a good day yesterday with a further visit to Lincoln Hospital, and after a terribly long wait, it was decided after consultation that the best course of action at this time, was for Hamada to return to Chemotherapy. To try to reduce the Myeloma cells and get them to a lower level to proceed to Transplant - the cocktail now includes , Cyclophosphamine,Dexamethasone, and Thalidomide and all the extras that go with that !
He also has some fractures of the vertebrae again and this causes some collapse of the spine which is so very painful . We have good drugs that cover the pain well, but he walks slowly and has lost more height. All these thing make me so sad- to see this lovely gentle kind man, suffer in this way. It is without doubt a despicable disease.

Not The Best Of Days.

It was another visit to Lincoln Hospital today. A busy one with Nephrology first, then on to the Alex Day ward for very nice nurse Michael, to take bloods and 'flush' hickman line. Hamada also had to complete a small part of a Renal Impairment Trial Study for the University of Leeds. This he completed, then on to the Haematology Dept for a discussion on 'pain management' regarding Hamada's very painful spine. We now have a new 'cocktail' or at least a different way to give them! Also we heard the bad news that Hamada is no longer in 'remission' this means now that hopefully the transplant will take place sooner than later!. His readings of 'Paraprotein', an important marker of this wretched disease, have risen. Also the 'Bence Jones' reading -which shows the presence, amount, and type of abnormal myeloma protein in urine - another important test, has doubled. This is just what we did not want to hear. He has also had further X-rays to his back to make sure there are no more 'lytic lesions'. We are to return on Thursday to discuss all these issues. We shall endeavor to keep on fighting.

Stay and Sleep

I can hear him sleeping

I can hear the storm

it's fierce ebony clouds

scudding, it's yellow flashes

spend themselves against

my window pane.

Trees crashed, branches fell,

and my heart no longer knew it's way.

Still he slept, his

gentle breathing at odds with the

violence, that shook my soul,

Can you hear the storm ?

is it inside your realm

is it beyond your pain

is it beyond mine.

The sky lit and intruded

into my domain,

It's clear shadows against my walls,

a dark mark against my heart.

Wake and listen

do not enter that sphere

no, stay and sleep

quieten my province.

Stay and sleep...

@ Copyright 2007

A Dedication To Our Friends

The following poem is dedicated to our very dear friends - Zena and Pieter - who live so many miles from us now - but we shared a life in the following place, mentioned in this poem. They are so constant with their calls and encouragement, that we feel they are never far away. We thank them for their strong friendship and dearly hope to have such fun, as we did in those days, when we meet once again. Thank you both and bless you for your kindness.

Oasis Town - Al Ain - U.A.E.

It's splendid vista way up high
the Jebel Hafeet* in clear blue sky,
my lover took me to this place
where snaking roads make hearts race,
this flower bordered oasis town
set as the Rub Al Khali *surrounds.

A magic beauty there for me
the middle of the sands you see,
grand marbled palaces you'll find
with fountains and Bedouins inside.
Mercedes and the finest things,
streets of gold and diamond rings.

Down town we found a natural spring
and handsome swarthy Arab friends,
in long white robes with beads to hand,
such beauty, of their falcon's wings
this desert world it's secrets bring.

Always we dined on tasty things
lamb in soft white bread you see,
lovely glasses of sweet mint tea ,
they welcomed us on desert sands
in tents, to take us back in time.

My lover with the charming smile
said we should linger for awhile,
to sit and sample 'sweet delights'
we did, long in the twinkling night,
and the warm 'Kamseen' did blow for us.

The silver platters of fruity dates
were passed with hands of love not hate,
the dark fringed lashes on dark brown eyes
could melt a heart in candlelight,
the over-whelming scent of musk
made 'giddy feelings' turn to lust.

This magic sensual desert town
with gentle friends that we had found.
The merging of the old and new,
this quiet love I found in you,
our little child with soft brown face
his sturdy body in a race, to grow
and blossom in the sun.

This much loved little Arab boy
who came to us with so much joy,
he played amid the palm tree glades,
looking for a little shade.
We wondered in 'Burami Town'
as riverlets sparkled through the ground.

The smell of oranges hanging there
the heady scents of different air.
In bustling market souks we stayed,
yes, how I loved those desert days
with our dear friends their gentle ways.

This green and floral oasis town
where we found love, the sands surround....

* Jebel Hafeet Mountain range.

* Rub El Khali Arabian Desert

.

@ Copyright 2006

Camel Photo - Courtesy - Matt Rutherford.

Weekly Visit to Lincoln Hospital

Thank goodness, after a most difficult week, Hamada is feeling so much better today. His back pain nearly gone. We visited the Alex Day Ward at Lincoln Hospital for the regular weekly 'line-flushing' the wonderful nurses do a sterling job everyday, looking after and attending to many patients. They work with so much grace and understanding for each and every person. Always a smile and a greeting. Nurses, like Linda, Michael and Claire et al. - "Big thanks" to them, and "Heaps of Rainbows" to you all.

See also comment under this. Thank you all.

Al Byt - Al Kabeer - The Big House.

Al Byt - Al Kabeer

High above the steepest hill

stands this house of love,

a faded splendid home is here,

It's name 'Al Byt - Al Kabeer',

such pretty ornate railings as

you climb the steps inside,

start to show the love within

that definitely resides.

The grand 'high ceiling' entrance hall

with precious chandeliers above

and Mama'let waiting there

her sparkling eyes of love.

Her beautiful arms would take you

and hold you to her heart,

with jet black hair luxurious,

her face a smiling part.

She took us to the 'Summer Room'

as she called the girls for tea,

"bring the porcelain and glasses

my son is home to me"

the long eau de nil shutters

I remember in every room

protected turquoise silks and gold

ornate ceilings, in partial gloom,

and as I glanced around the 'salon'

at the beauty of this place,

I saw the sweetest look of love

upon his Mother's face.

Gilt carvings on the pretty chairs

the heavy 'Adam's' fireplace

the ticking of the many clocks

yes, twas another place.

So many rooms before us
all tall and elegant in their way,
he, brought me to this fine home
to spend our summer days,

And as we greeted one another
I looked from balcony views,
my husband tightly held one hand
his mother did so too.

I loved the fine Aubosson rugs
on each and every floor,
I loved the smell of cedar mixed
with mint, and life before,

and how I loved this golden life
the slowness of the days
this gentle kind enduring Mother
who showed another way.

The calmness of her movements
the joy at everyday,
would take me on a journey
to discover peaceful ways.





@ Copyright 2007.

By H H The XIV Dalai Lama

Found on a friends Web - Jewel (USA). I like this very much.

No matter what is going on
never give up

Develop the heart
too much energy in your country
is spent developing the mind
instead of the heart

Be compassionate
not just to your friends
but to everyone
be compassionate

Work for peace
in your heart and in the world
work for peace

Never give up
no matter what is going on
around you
never give up.

By H H XIV The Dalai Lama.

Wretched Pain.

We now have the pain under control again and have this morning talked with the support team at Lincoln Hospital. The good advice from the Haematology Nurse has been most helpful and Hamada feels much more comfortable now. This severe pain is to be expected at this stage of the Myeloma, but we must endeavour not to let the pain "take hold". I am now playing some of his favourite music, his smile is back, and it's a much better start to the day.

It Was A Love Affair

It was a love affair
you and I
It was delight not virtuous
It was visionary
It was a moving nature
It was strange it was pure
but it was, a love affair.

It was a love affair
you and I
It was quixotic, it was new
It was imaginative
It was romantic
It was sensual
but it was, a love affair.

It was a love affair
you and I
It was a passion
It was exciting
It was taking-up my life
It was everything
but it was a love affair ?


@ Copyright 2006

I Was Looking For You

I was looking for you
when hot days seared my mind
and starlit nights were often kind,
when all those handsome boys danced by,
I was looking for you.

When warm breezes brushed my cheeks
and I had studied for weeks and weeks,
when I could swim in warm blue seas
and honeysuckle were full of bees,
I was looking for you.

When I was walking along the shore
and knew that I could give no more,
when underneath my feet the shells
ground, and there my life was turned around,
I was looking for you.

On Autumn days which coloured red,
we laid together, in soft warm bed
when reaching through the sweet dusk light
I held you in my arms so tight.
I was looking for you.

I was looking for you when
crisp white snow did cover the ground
when my cheeks were pink
and yours still brown,
I was looking for you.

I was looking for you,
as I searched along the way
when you used that smile
that changed my life
that way,
I was looking for you.........

@ Copyright 2006

Up-Date

Hamada is not so good today - the pain in his back is really bad - he is taking Oramorph - and today unable to get out of bed unaided. I feel so sorry that this is so, especially after doing so well with the 'Harvesting' last week. Perhaps all the sitting around and the long car journey has taken it's toll. He will be resting and sleeping most of this - Father's Day - I will shower him with as much love as I can. The two poems above are special to us, but today is a good day for them. Thank you all for your good wishes, it is a comfort to know you are all thinking of us.

A Stem- Cell Lament. June 2007

We're always there and never late

again the day we sit and wait,

thrice again we must believe

stem cells elusive, are for thee,

the nurses come for blood to take

to send to lab, a longer pray.

The swinging doors the patients bring

but my dearest one, no longer sings.

I look at medi-wash machines

I try to peep at path-lab screens,

results for 'dear heart' just this time,

a higher count would do just fine.

Some patients grim, it's such a shame,

the counts not good it's home again.

It's not a lot dear lord you see,

to send the stem-cells straight to me

I'll keep them safe, right by my heart,

I'll hold them tight, then he won't part.

We need them here just for him

please, dear lord, to help him win.

I look at pictures on the wall

don't ask me what their called - at all,

the time ticks on, but slowly now

my heart in isolation, bows.

It breaks my heart to see his face

I hate to watch this turn of fate.

He's patient looking at the door

which opens now, but brings no more.

We wait and wait as doctors pass

please give the 'green light' so we can start.

We're tired now this fight is long

but we'll not stop, they could be wrong !

Send back those lab results to us

and make them good, a million plus......

A Thank You

A big "thank you" to Sir Richard Branson who added his comments to my poem 'You Elude me' at 2.53 am today.

Thank you Sir.

Further To The Post Below.

Further to the Post below - Have just heard (17.30) from the Haematology Dept, at Nottingham City Hospital. Hamada's collection today has yielded just 320,000 stem cells - which although is not very good - does now bring the total over the 2,000,000 mark - which is indeed good news. We now await the Professors remarks.

Another Try

We have been at Nottingham City Hospital since Sunday evening, Hamada has now managed to 'harvest' a further 500,000 Stem Cells on tuesday. We are not so hopeful for today's collection as the count was down again - as it was on monday. They will let us know later on today, when lab reports are back. It has again been so stressful - not the lovely nurses - they always do their best to make you comfortable - but the waiting is just terrible. We have spent a total of fourteen hours this time, in the clinic over the three days.. ( we would wait forever -if they would just come out !! ) At the moment Hamada has 1,800,000 not quite enough for the transplant.

An Evening At The Village Pub

Hamada is in pain again today but we are managing to get it under control. He really wants to join our house guests - Jen and Ian - at our village pub tonight, for some fun, laughter and a good meal with our friends. He says "you can carry me down, I'm coming". he has started the GCSF injections for monday, and has now had four. Still smiling and never-ever complaining, but you can tell by his eyes that it hurts !!!! despicable illness, I say.

Dreams of Montazah - in the 1950's

Dreams of Montazah.

He dreams of Montazah

the palace within his mind,

as he is quietly resting,

I know he goes back in time.

This splendid 'Salam-lek' palace

built high on hills above

this turquoise studded jewel,

secluded bay, entwined with doves.

Amid the palms, stands clearly
this monument of love,

built from finest 'red bricks',

a blessing from above.

Smooth and graceful standing proud,

with white 'najoods' and sea around,

he would walk in verdant grounds,

in peaceful harmony, no sound.

The quiet of these gardens

lush all, 370 fed-dans,

would take his heart in a myriad walk,

his bare feet, on fine white sand.

He dreams of 'Montazah', the palace,

always within his mind,

this paradise inn of time,

he enters gates that keep the crowds at bay,

which for him are opened, every single day.

And when he's tired of strolling,

I know just where he'll go

he'll leave gazelles and rock gardens

and the flowers, he loves so,

he'll step across the water

to the island of all time

where classical statues never alter,

in plethora, there to stand.

And here he'll fish or flirt !

or swim, in sunlit sheltered bays

and for a little while,

he remember all those days.

Montazah keeps him peaceful

I see that smile again, and when

he sleeps tomorrow,

he'll go right back again.

@ Copyright 2007 -Hamada used to walk in these Gardens as a child.

This Visit To Lincoln Hospital

Today we visited Lincoln Hospital again, for the pre-check for next weeks, hopeful third! 'harvesting'. Hamada's 'Hickman' line was flushed, full bloods taken and these results will be used if required at Nottingham Hospital. It was a quick trip, let's hope this is a precursor for next week. Hamada is feeling quite good today, not moving very well - but the infection is somewhat better- by Monday I do hope he will be ready. Hamada starts the third course of GCSF injections tomorrow, taking two per day - lets hope they do the trick this time.

A Summer Day

How beautiful this Summer day,

the colour of the flower,

I seemed to miss it all today

and often wished a shower,

to match my mood, I'd like today,

rain and thunder all the way.

The snow and hail, they could come,

and even lightning too,

If I could take your pain away,

A hurricane would do.

How beautiful this Summer day,

with not a cloud in sight,

and there you are

again in bed, putting up a fight.

The sun is blazing down the rays,

and when you turn and smile,

I'll keep you with me, and that gaze,

and never miss the flowers

and if you think I love you less,

I'll long for summer showers

How beautiful this Summer day,

the stillness of it all,

the sky is brilliant, almost red!

you smile at me, and rest your head.

So does it matter the flowers are out,

does it matter that their blue,

if I could take your pain away,

then this is what I'll do.

For then the rays, the lovely sun,

the flowers, each and everyone,

I'll keep you and that lovely gaze

then this will be my Summer day.

@ Copyright 2006

Lilies

Lilies.

Do you remember long ago

you found that magic place,

where lilies filled most every room

and beds were dressed in lace

the men in polished uniforms

took bags and opened doors,

and the crystal of the chandelier's

twinkled straight on marble floors

The majesty and splendour of

this, your special place,

was clear as sparkling water

that ran from fountain space.

You sat me by the sea-view

in a chair of plushest silk

the lady with the clear sweet voice

the harp, it's gentle lilt,

you said my hair was "pretty"

and my dress was "just divine"

and then they brought us pink delights

and goblets full of wine.

The scent from all the lilies

that filled most every room,

could that be what was turning

my heart, amid the blooms,

perhaps it was the dark red wine

perhaps it was your face,

perhaps those gilded bronzes,

I remembered in that place

We walked on Turkish carpets

in rooms of ormolu,

along the 'china' terrace

admiring stunning views,

we walked along the waters edge

leaving sandals on the stairs,

still that beguiling smell of lilies,

I wondered where, from here

and as you turned and smiled

coming, face to face......

where lilies filled most every room,

and beds were dressed in lace.

@ Copyright 2006

Emmanuel's Message for Grandpa.

Manu made this little paper boat for his Grandpa - It says Cancer - Boo and Hiss.

A Chest Infection - 3rd June 2007

Poor Hamada - back in bed for the whole of this weekend, with yet another cold and now a chest infection. His very much reduced, white blood cells, affect his ability to fight off any infections. So he always succumbs easily. With the continuing severe pain in his spine - it has at times, been difficult to make him comfortable - he has been sleeping most of the time so now I'm really hoping he will be well enough to start his further treatment later this week.

Still, some excellent news from NICE in the media today, about the drug Velcade - thank goodness for that - I believe this new system will help provide many more Multiple Myeloma Patients, who need this drug, to receive it. - See More in Q & A @ www.myeloma.org.uk

When You Lived By The Sea - In Alex.

When you lived by the Sea.

Down the steep road you went

round the corner, heaven sent.

The long 'corniche' and turquoise sea

'twas brilliant sun, when you took me.

With the crowds in summer haze

we joined the throng just to gaze,

little brown boys having fun

chasing in the hottest sun,

and then we stepped, as you took my hand,

along those brilliant, hot white sands.

~

The turkish man with tray on head,

brings the pastries, as you bid,

on kites that fly in cobalt sky,

and when we talked, you and I,

of the future that we planned,

'snooty' camels passed at hand,

when you lived by the sea.

~

Snacks from Mama's cabin there,

we sat in ' garland ribboned' chairs,

little pots of tasty treats,

houmus, tabullah, syrup sweets,

games of cards with sharper boys,

dark skinned men, selling toys,

children laughing, happy fun,

smelling sweetly of the sun.

Yatching club at half past three

always there in time for tea,

when you lived by the sea.

~

Down that steep road we went

round the corner heaven sent.

On the side 'Old Cecil' stood

crumbled then, but very good.

Gordon's Gin they found us there ,

and as we sat in rattan chairs,

breathing in that steamy air.

Silver trays with glasses bright,

we talked and talked into the night,

the punka fan whirled and swayed,

and in the night, I always stayed,

when you lived by the sea...

when you lived by the sea in Alex....

@ Copyright 2006

Photos courtesy : Matt Rutherford
All rights Reserved.

My Boys - Written July 2006

They came to wait,

to listen and to care.

They left their work,

their routines, their lattes,

and their lives,

but still they came.

Just one call,

a Mother's need,

brought my boys, fast to me.

Nothing seemed as strong that day,

as those two boys,

who came my way.

I leaned towards them,

and broke my heart.

They stood tall and strong,

to share a Mother's grief.

And they came.

They took the calls,

they took my arm,

they drove the cars,

they helped my heart.

They are my boys,

and they came....

@ Copyright 2006

The Precious Drugs

We collected the G.C.S.F Injections from Lincoln Hospital today - the precious injections that Hamada will start again next Thursday - they stay in the fridge until then -these will hopefully enable the 'harvesting' to take place shortly at Nottingham City Hospital. This is now the third try! He has been for a further check-up and 'flushing' of the 'Hickman' line today. One more visit next week and he is ready to go again. The pain in his back is severe but he feels he does not want more radiotherapy before the stem cell collection.

Love Songs -Written in June 2006

When he wakes to different days
I play the songs of sweet refrains.

The gentle strains to open eyes,
the sweetness of the days gone by.

The songs of love, the songs of hope,
as eyes and minds adjust to cope.

To waken restfully, to come alive
songs of days to pass the time.

Sweet refrains, and songs of love
just to help, and just to love.

When he wakes to different days
I play the songs of sweet refrains.





@ Copyright 2006

A Day Of Pain - 30 May 2007

Not a good day today, Hamada has severe pain in his back-I am hoping it is not another fracture - He manages to get up in the mornings with support and such determination, it is painful to watch. Still we have managed a slow walk around our little town, enjoying the sunshine and the fresh air and then a ride down our country lanes -seeing a newly born 'Lincoln Red' calf - on our return to the village - Hamada is exhausted but pleased.

Should I Pray Now.

Should I be praying
is the time now ?
will you be listening
if I pray now.

Have I got Angels ?
quickly come now,
should I be praying
I'm sure the time's now,
would you be listening
if I pray now.

Where is my Gabriel
from angels above,
will you be listening
to help and to love.

If I open the door,
If I open my eyes ,
have I got an Angel
right by my side.

Should I be praying
is the time now,
would you be listening ?
If I pray now......





@ Copyright 2006

Sung by Jo @ http://www.myspace.com/jomoursimusic

Photo : Courtesy of Matt Rutherford.

I Will Live In This Village.

I will live in this village
with cornflowers blue,
I will love in this village,

a love that is true.

I will glean from each day,

no minute to waste,
I will live in this village

to quieten my haste.

I will love the large skies

with their dark twinkling hues,

I will smell sacred earth

with a love that is true.

But all I ask, is a slowness of pace,

I am seeking dear lord

to not let it race,

for the time is now

to enjoy what we can.

I will walk in this village

along green tiny lanes

only no one will see

the heart that is pained.

The tiny church,

strong in it's place

holding all memories
I came face to face.

The sorrows of many

who went before,

who lived in this village

with love just the same.

And like my sorrows

they lived in this place

they loved in this village

with cornflowers blue,

they loved in this village

a love that was true........

@ Copyright 2006

Photos : Courtesy - Matt Rutherford.