When I started this blog more than four years ago I promised always to tell how it is for a Carer of someone with MM. It was important for me that my poems conveyed a little story of the days that unfolded on this journey. Sometimes the truth of my feelings may hurt more than at other times. I try to think of other MM sufferers, I truly do. Then of course those that maybe hurt by my thoughts here, will not subscribe. So I continue through these most difficult days. The following two verses describe my feelings during a very lovely birthday weekend for Hamada. Our son Jo spent a special time with his Father, we had a celebratory meal together and all in all it was a perfect weekend. Except for one thing although I suppose I have always seen Hamada through 'rose tinted glasses'. I could now see clearly what I suppose others can see and have notice for some time, visual changes to my dear man's face.
Extract from "Changes"
The once thought improbable
is happening Darling Man,
I cannot close my eyes
to forget these brown eyes fading,
I cannot shut my mind for all I need
I cannot shut my mind for all I need
is to see your smile.
These brutal changes tear at your resistance
this beloved face is changing
dissolving and vanishing from view
but never from my heart.
I can at last, see this Beast Within.
Changes... So many changes...
All Rights Reserved November 2010
Unabridged version of "Changes" is now on http://www.susiehemingway.com
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10 comments:
Oh Susie - please don't worry about how others may react to your beautiful words. If that is the rule, then I shouldn't be posting anything anywhere in my current state. I find that it is helpful to share experiences, and others have the option to read or not ... but it is far more important for us to get those words out. Especially you, with your wonderful gift for writing.
I understand these difficult days and how heart-wrenching it is to recognize the "Changes" the beast brings to our precious men. As I look back at some photos now I wonder how I could not possibly have seen the dramatic changes taking place. Love indeed helps us to look through 'rose tinted glasses'.
You're always in my heart ♥
Well you've had me in tears again dear Susie. I really appreciate your blog as it helps me feel that I am not alone as I walk with Mike on his Myeloma journey.
Now that he has his central line in, the weeks until December 6th are flying by and it all seems so very real all of a sudden.
Thinking of you both. x x
Dear Susie,
As always, the words in in your poems touch my heart, because you speak from the deepest recess of your own heart. Yet "Changes" inevitably will come our way. You lovingly and bravely look on with such endearment on your beloved's face, "rose-tinted" only through your eyes, almost and always refusing to turn away, for to gaze away is surely losing precious time with him.
I am all persuaded to believe Hamada to be such a beauty, a handsome man. For indeed he must be, to you, the love of your life!
You write from experience and that is what is so important. Your integrity. Thank you for writing from the heart.
These changes are grievous to be sure and the anguish of it all is sometimes almost unbearable; except that when the burden is shared the heaviness of it is lessened - that is what you do so well. Those who cannot appreciate the purpose of the sharing are the losers... you and your precious Hamada are in my thoughts often.
I pick the blogs that tell me the things that I really need to know. Not what people think I should know, not what is screened through the prism of not hurting my feelings or scaring me and not the everything will be OK glasses. Me, being the MM person, need to KNOW what is real. What I can truly expect. An honest view of this cancer. It is truly a blessing to read your blog and please NEVER candy coat your observations and feelings. However, I will still pray for healing and courage for you and Hamada.
Susie,
how hard this must be for you all....
your words break my heart today...though your continued strength inspires me...hugs to you dear Susie and to Hamada.
Thank you for all the kind comments left here. I welcome them all and feel such support from them. These are most difficult days and making the right decisions for someone you love is very stressful. I value all that is entered here. Many thanks for time taken from your busy days.
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